10 laws the Senate must pass before their “stupid” social media bill

By Murphy Edet

Saraki is embroiled in allegations of false assets declaration. — Saraki says the bill will help the Nigerian government hold everyone accountable for their actions.

The Nigerian Senate has taken it upon itself to end “stupidity” and “blackmail” on social media. ***applauds***

But the bill proposes towards that end will effectively mitigate free speech. The bill recommends a 2-year jail term for anyone who posts allegations deemed “false” on social media. The alternative to prison would be a hefty N2 million fine.

That’s why Nigerians are up in arms.

Former Education minister Obiageli Ezekwesili laughed in Wazobia when she heard of the bill. President Muhammadu Buhari, who has promised never to stifle free speech, said Senate President Bukola Saraki and his senators are on their own. The bill cannot become law if Buhari doesn’t assent to it.

Nigerians say the bill is stupid, and social media activists protested at the National Assembly on Tuesday.

But I think the Senate, which claims the “good” bill has been misunderstood, should go ahead with the bill…on one condition.

They should pass the following bills first…

1. Lagos harmattan bill

Can you see into the distance? Aha...that's why we need this bill. — Can you see into the distance? Aha…that’s why we need this bill.

We need a bill to ascertain the severity of this year’s Lagos harmattan. The continual refusal of the Senate to wade into the Lagos harmattan debate is very frustrating. I am so surprised the Senate has not made mention of the term “Lagos harmattan” since the whole thing started. Don’t they know that Lagos deserves that special status? No?

2. Wizkid-Davido supremacy bill

We need another bill to decide the battle for supremacy between Wizkid and Davido. If this situation is not resolved on time, Nigerians may be divided another celebrity lines. Our unity as a nation is key and the Senate should lead the way.

3. Wardrobe allowance bill

Senator Ibn Bala Na’Allah sponsors a bill that could silence Nigerians. — No, Nigerians are not happy Senator Ibn Bala Na’Allah who sponsored the social media bill is not wearing a proper suit.

This bill is very important. This bill will mandate every Nigerian senator to actually use her/his wardrobe allowance for what it’s worth. Imagine with all the hardship Nigerians go through to clothe these senators, some among them actually wear suits made in the 1500s. This bill will check the reckless diversion of funds meant to fortify the wardrobe to other areas of life.

4. Nollywood nonsense filter bill

Okon, nor vex abeg...na play we dey play. — Okon, nor vex abeg…na play we dey play.

Trust me, there are excellent Nollywood movies. But there are also incredulously stupid ones. The memes are proof enough. We need a bill that will mandate filmmakers to either make something worth the view or simply pack up.

5. Humane minimum wage bill

Nigerian workers are still "begging" the government to increase the N18,000 minimum wage/CREDIT: Next24Online.Com — Nigerian workers are still begging the government to continue paying the meagre N18,000 minimum wage/CREDIT: Next24Online.Com

This bill is key to our national survival. It is all about raising the minimum wage from…is there a wage sef?…to, say, N80,000. Yeah…the poorest Nigerian worker should be able to cope with that for a start.

6. Anti fuel scarcity bill

Car drivers, bike riders, and domestic users of petrol are suffering from the hike in the price of fuel. — Car drivers, bike riders, and domestic users of petrol are suffering from fuel scarcity and price hike. There’s no Nigerian who doesn’t have this kind of keg.

We need a bill that will make fuel scarcity a criminal offence. This means, whenever there is shortage of fuel, those occupying the seat of office should be jailed. Nigeria comfortably sits among the top 10 global producers of crude oil yet she goes through annoyingly recurrent PMS shortage. That’s cray.

7. The girl child bill

How many more VVF patients will convince the Senate to make sane pro-girl-child laws? 170 million?

Okay, this is serious. We need a bill that will raise the legal marriage age to 20. And we need another bill that will jail whoever argues that this bill could infringe on some “traditions.”

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8. NEPA bill

There is improved power supply in Nigeria but the demons of crazy bills and fix charges lingers. — The demons of crazy bills, fix charges and epileptic power supply lingers.

Not that we need NEPA, or whatever they’re called these days, to bill the darkness they give Nigerians. All we need is a bill that will mandate the government to provide light 24-7. Here’s how it should work. For every minute there’s no power supply anywhere in the country, including the places where there’s actually no access to power, N1 should be deducted from the salaries of each elected government official. How about that?

9. Pro-free speech bill

The bill will go like something found in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States regarding its media:

The Nigerian Senate shall make no law to regulate or mitigate free speech, and shall make no attempt to intimidate those who speak freely.

10. Social media bill apology bill

Finally…this one’s very, very important. We need a bill mandating the Senate to tender a public apology for wasting legislative time debating this anti-constitutional, anti-social-media bill. The bill will also mandate the Senate to buy 10g worth of Internet data for every Nigerian fighting the bill on social media.

This article is the opinion of its author and does not in any way represent the editorial policy of NewsroomNG..