Top 7 conditions for “corrupt” Nigerians to “make heaven”

By Rotimi Akinola

Judging by the level of corruption and unruly behaviour in Nigeria, most of its citizens are probably going to end up somewhere other than heaven.

In the Biblical book of Revelation, the Christian holy writ says “nothing unclean shall enter the place.” Corruption should fall within that category.

Yeah…yeah…yeah…there are people who don’t believe in that “nonsense.”

But most Nigerians do not fall into that category. We are the most religious people on the planet. But we are also “corrupt and unruly.” Even our president attests to this “fact.”

However, Nigerians believe saints (like the ones in President Muhammadu Buhari wants in his cabinet) will go to heaven; while the evil ones will go to the Lake of Fire which burns with sulphur.

The following conditions may determine whether or not you’ll join the saints.

One.

So you drive a car or any other vehicle and you never used the honk unnecessarily in the neighbourhood, or on the road? You’re going to Paradise. The angels are waiting for you at Heaven’s gate with all manner of honking and trumpeting. “Welcome, my faithful servant.”

Two.

You’ve not hurled curses at “NEPA” officials before. In fact, you pray for them every time electricity is interrupted. Congrats. You shall walk the beautiful streets where the lights never dim.

Three.

You never stole from mummy’s pot. You’re that upright one who always reported those who did. Rejoice…you’ll make Paradise where there’s enough meat and merriment.

Four.

So you dated your hobby for five years and you guys never hugged. There’s a special pillow for you in Heaven. You may hug it for all eternity.

Five.

We don’t think so. That Calabar case wasn’t Ebola, we were told.

You heard Ebola could have re-invaded Nigeria yet you remained calm like Jega. Now, more than ever before, you want to shake hands with every Tola, Tomi and Aramide. You said it would be an extension of your love to them – your love that doesn’t change in the face of Ebola. And you’re not even afraid of death. You’re going to heaven where there are no diseases.

Six.

For all the hell you’ve been going through in Lagos traffic, you’ve never ~~cursed~~ yelled at fellow motorists, traffic officials, or the government…you’re blessed. Heaven awaits.

Seven.

If you’ve never “toasted” anyone on social media, you’re going to heaven. It show’s you’ve overcome a great deal of temptation. Imagine…you saw all those fine girls (with makeup, of course…not that they’re that fine) on Facebook and Instagram and you never hooked up with them. Cmon! You’re a saint. Heaven is your portion.