A rat, and 7 other things you don’t want to be in 2016
By Olabisi Yakub
It’s 2016 and everyone’s talking about New Year resolutions. Most of these resolutions border on what people want to do and undo.
In this post I’ll tell you what you should not even try. We’re talking about things and people you don’t want to be.
1. You don’t want to be a Boko Haram victim
Well, except your parents have credible Abuja connections. If you’ve read the story of INEC volunteer, Kayode Olatunji, you’ll get the gist. Olatunji survived a Boko Haram attack in 2011 but not without losing his health. The government has refused to compensate him. They even told him not to talk to the media about it. Meanwhile, Muhammadu Buhari was also attacked by Boko Haram in 2014 but he suffered no bodily harm. He received his compensation in cars the following year.
2. Don’t be like this Boko Haram suicide bomber
Very senseless guy…Let’s be honest with ourselves, the Nigerian army has sent the terrorists to the gallows. If you’re planning on using the cloak of religion to foment terror, my sister…2016 is not your year. Instead, focus on inventing a time machine. Then travel back to any time between 2009 and 2015 when terrorism was hot cake in Nigeria. Right now, those boys in green are not smiling. Boko Haram is trying to regain “public consciousness” by attacking soft targets. May thunder strike their bum bum!
3. You don’t want to be a rat
You’ve surely heard of Lassa fever, right? It’s spread by multi-breasted rats. But Nigerians don’t care. They’re killing everything that looks like rat. They using all manner of weapons – guns, bombs (including nukes). We heard Buhari may have contacted North Korea to purchase an H-bomb they can detonate underground where lots of rats live. And he amy have even ordered for the deadliest of all weapons – rat poison! Please, to be on a safe side, don’t be a rat. We love you.
4. You don’t want to be a garri seller
Ask mama onigari at Mile 12 (or is it Mile 2) the last time she sold a paint. Nigerians are being warned to stop drinking garri with cold water. Reason, Lassa fever rats may have contaminated the food. They are instead advised to use the garri solely for eba as the hot water should kill the virus. Trust Nigerians: some of them are boycotting garri altogether. This shouldn’t last. It must not because maami must sell and chop.
5. You don’t want to be pregnant
No you don’t. Not even if you’re newly married and are looking for the fruit of the womb. There’s a “new” virus in town. We’ve always thought mosquitoes spread only malaria, yellow fever and “minor” things like that. We’re wrong. Aedes mosquitoes, which are actually active during daytime now spread Zika virus. The virus won’t have adverse effect on its human host (usually a female) but will damage the brain of their children. The babies will simply be born with Microcephaly – an abnormal smallness of the head, a potentially fatal condition associated with incomplete brain development. Aedes mosquitoes, which also spread Yellow fever, have been spreading Zika virus in South America and the Caribbean. WHO says the spread could reach Africa and Asia soon. The Nigerian government is advising its expectant mothers to boycott South America.
6. Please, pretty please…don’t be like the girl in this video
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Posted by Ann Frank on Wednesday, January 27, 2016
She’s successfully shot the most stupid footage of 2016. We apologise for making you hurt your neck listening to her stupidity. We’re sorry!
7. Don’t be like this chef
He actually died last Christmas Eve, killed by a chicken. Although you won’t find the story anywhere. We want to speculate it did happen.
8. And don’t be like Kudirat’s classmate
