APC vs PDP: Top 5 explosives Lai Muhammed and Olisah Metuh exchanged over Akwa Ibom
By Rotimi Akinola
The “profile”
The conflict
Both gentlemen (actually, their parties) have been at loggerheads over an ongoing probe of elections held in Akwa Ibom State, and the alleged role of the involvement of Nigeria’s security apparatus, reportedly being ordered around by the APC.
We’re not interested in that. Our interest lies in the missiles Lai and Metuh have exchanged this week in separate press statements and conferences.
Okay… let’s proceed.
Metuh fires
1. “A desperate attempt at political shoplifting would drive the APC to engage in a miscarried effort to cover its culpability.”
Okay, too much grammar. Focus on the word “shoplifting.” That’s the missile here. It could mean Metuh is calling everyone in the APC “thieves.”
2. “By now Nigerians have become too familiar with the macabre dance by the APC spokesman.”
Trust us on this. “Macabre” has nothing to do with Macabi Tel Aviv, an Israeli team Chelsea FC defeated 4-0 on match day one of the 2015-2016 UEFA Champions League campaign. Macabre has something to do with “death,” “murder” or something like that. Look it up.
3. “(Lai Muhammed) has distinguished himself as a ‘renowned liar’; a shameless veteran in the ignoble art of deception.
You don’t need a dictionary to understand these shells. You don’t want your head blown off? Steer clear! In coming..!
4. “Lai Muhammed is APC master liar, who shamefully embark on excursions of falsehood.”
Boomshakaboom! Man down! Man down! When will Nollywood release the part 10 of “Excursions of Falsehood”?
5. “Lai Mohammed, at his age, should learn to be truthful, honest and desist from fabricating lies…”
Wait a minute…how old is Lai Muhammed?
Lai returns fire
1. “Metuh should show some decorum in his public statements and avoid the use of trench language in public discourse.”
Uh oh! Look up “trench”…then try again. So Metuh uses “gutter” language. Hmmm. “Foul mouth” being suggested here. It’s like saying “hey dude, your mouth stinks, go get some mouthwash.”
2. “Metuh’s increasing resort to the use of putrid language in his press statements is distracting from the message he might want to pass across.”
Anh! Anh! What happin na?! Are you saying Metuh’s mouth stinks so “loud” you can barely hear him? Lai, is that what you’re saying?
3. “You might choose to be bombastic, sharply critical and even aggressive in your statements, but you do not have to resort to the use of crude language.”
In other words: “If you don’t know how to do your job without being ‘filthy-mouthed,’ come for some classes at the APC National Secretariat.” Oh lawd…these guys are something something!
4. “Every statement being issued today will become a reference material, hence the need to keep them decent, polished and dignifying.”
What?! Are you insinuating that the Chief Press Secretary of the Almighty PDP is “not polished.” Oh, cmon! *ducks as another missile flies overhead*
5. “After all, it was American religious leader Spencer W. Kimball who said ‘Profanity is the effort of a feeble brain to express itself forcibly’.”
“Feeble brain”? I comment my reserve (to “flip” the cliche). Chai!
Apologies
We’re so sorry we made you read this irrelevant draft.
Please find links to the relevant “documents” below.
Thanks for coming.
Metuh, show some decorum, stop behaving like a “feeble brain” – APC cautions PDP spokesman
Akwa-Ibom: PDP alleges APC involvment in govt house invasion, tribunal manipulation
