From Ganduje Missing Files to NNPC’s Fuel-Thunder Excuse: The Nigeria Clown Show

One day, some days ago, I went on American Twitter (now X) and was following conversations between these foreigners. On this particular trend, they were discussing Africa and one particular man disclosed that, if he ever feels bored, all he needs do is hop on Nigeria Twitter space, read news and happenings here and laugh at the “sh!t show” we call a country. That tweet invoked so much anger in me throughout the day. I left the app with a sour taste in my mouth.

However, when the anger had died down, I thought things through more clearly and realized, vulgar as the American sounded; he was actually right: I mean, a lot of developments in this country makes for a very hilarious comedy show. You read the news and hear of monkey swallowing monies in government offices—as claimed by corrupt officials—and you can’t really fault a foreigner for seeing these and calling us a “sh!t show.”

Just the week, the #EndBadGovernanceInNigeria protest came to an end. That was the most divided protests ever in the history of Nigeria. On one hand, the government had paid hungry Nigerians N5, 000 to carry placards saying “Say No to Protests.” On the other hand, other hungry patriotic Nigerians who saw no need to accept such miserly change, went about their peaceful protests, calling on the government to lessen the hardship. The two opposing sides made for a perfect circus, a laughable one at that.

Then, in other news, we heard some protesters raided Kano ICT park and carted away with computers and valuables. Well, knowing our government too well—the same one that paid hungry Nigerians to protest against other protesters—it wouldn’t be far-fetched to allege that they sponsored these vandals in order to have an excuse to step in and squash the protests on this basis.

Surprisingly, though, or, would I rather say, hilariously, the Kano State Government have now come out to claim that the corruption files it had against the National Leader of the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC), Abdullahi Ganduje has disappeared. According to them, protesters stormed the offices and carted away with those files! Hahaha! Isn’t it the same protesters who carted away with computers and all, while leaving behind all the books and papers in Kano? Well, I guess Ganduje’s files must have looked or smelt like money. The temptation must have been too great to resist for these hungry ‘protesters’ and so they ran away with the corruption files. How convenient.

I am sure, even Pablo Escobar will be smiling in his grave. This is his template, after all, it was he who used the M-19 to infamously burn down the Palace of Justice in Colombia and destroy his drug case files within. Same strategy, different countries and different decades. I can imagine how hard foreigners would be laughing at us by now. The Nigerian government has more tales that Walt Disney. The only difference is that theirs is poorly crafted, like a story told to 3yr olds at night to put them to bed.

Now, perhaps, you’d think you’ve heard or seen enough of the Nigerian clown show. Nah! Grab a popcorn, pull a seat and hear some more hilarious tales. We are all aware of the recent fuel scarcity rocking the nation. In Lagos and other cities, the queues at filling stations are as long as you can imagine. Nigerians now buy fuel for N950 officially! The annoyance birthed the question: “What is the reason?” Guess the reply the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) issued: They blamed the fuel scarcity on “rain and thunder.” Hahahaha! I told you the clown show wasn’t over, didn’t I? See, now you’ve slipped your popcorn. Go get another one. There are still more clownery in store.

How innocent rains and thunder have now been roped into this circus dumbfounds even the man with the lowest IQ. And, just when I had heard enough, news of the ex-Chief Justice of Nigeria, Walter Onnoghen, fizzled in. This is a man booted out of office, a corrupt judicial officer who falsely declared his assets and was found out for it and punished. The undeclared assets were turned over to the Nigerian government subsequently, but, guess what, he is in court contesting that those assets be returned to him. The audacity of it all, the temerity, the impetus. Whew! I have to slow down. This is Nigeria.

Funny enough, this story has a Ganduje twist to it again. The office of the Attorney General of the Federation (AGF) have said they can no longer see his files—those files have grown legs and walked out of their offices apparently. Hahaha. I saw video of the court case and the Onnoghen’s legal counsel even had the guts to ask the Judge for an expedited hearing. The FG’s Lawyer didn’t counter the motion and the Judge subsequently granted his plea. Geez. Even a Magician on a circus would have acted this deceit with more veil. This screamed “planned,” “staged” and whatever synonym you can find. Yet again, as my anger built up, I remembered, this is Nigeria. I laugh again, even if tears filled a tiny corner of my eyes. This country has slipped into a dark hole.

Laugh all you want, but, the fact is, these leaders are taking the general populace for a ride. They have consistently acted without impunity that they no longer stress themselves to construct intellectual lies to deceive Nigerians. They dish out any tall tale and move on. Whether you believe or not, that’s your business. The clown show in Nigeria is in full effect and the tour is moving from state to state.

I weep for Nigeria. In the words of renowned literature great, Chinua Achebe, “there was a country.” No more. That country is long lost.